Musing at Midnight

Currently I am procrastinating an essay, but this contemplative mood spurred by my scholarly pursuits has left me thinking of anything but comparing Purgatorio and The Qur’an. 

As my twentieth birthday is rapidly approaching, I have been pondering what this next phase of my life will include. I consider this milestone as “real adulthood,” and therefore a time of change. I acknowledge that I still have so much to learn about myself, and this knowledge will not magically appear the morning of December 30th. However, lately I have been feeling as though it is time to make some adjustments to who I am as a person that will ultimately benefit me as I grow.

We all have character flaws, and sometimes these flaws are what define us as a person and help us learn from mistakes. Not all flaws are terrible and tragic, but they can be somewhat of a hinderance in life, personal relationships, and other such realms. I admit that I am a timid person. I am too shy to voice my desires and opinions. I put the needs of others ahead of my own needs. I have a hard time seeing the value of myself.

Some of these things are not inherently bad. Perhaps one of the things I actually like about myself is my generosity: making other people smile is one of my great joys in life. Sometimes, though, this generosity is manipulated into something that can make me somewhat melancholy. I recently came across a great quote that I thought I would share: “Stop crossing oceans for people who would not even hop a puddle for you.” These words really resonated with me. I have often found that I give so much of myself to the people I care about that little to nothing is left for myself. I spend so much time worrying about others that I take no time to worry about myself, and after nearly two decades of doing such, I have grown very weary.

Now I think it is time to start. I am afraid to do so though: I am afraid of The Selfish. I have always firmly believed in selflessness, yet I may have crossed a line. I need to stop constantly concerning myself with others and begin thinking about things that will make me happy. Balance is key to any life well-lived, and I think that is what my life has been lacking.

Slowly but surely I am making my way towards self-acceptance. Part of me feels as though with this will come the urge to defend myself against an off-handed comment, the courage to introduce myself to that dapper gentleman I see everyday, and the confidence to wear Maggie with pride. I approach this change with trepidation, but perhaps my life needs a little risk, to step outside this framework that has obviously not been working and rebuild.

Originally written 28 October 2013

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